Reflecting on a birth

Today I was going through the notes on my phone, where I have jotted down many a blog post idea over the years, and I cam across this note reflecting on a birth I attended last year. I will often come away from a birth with scenes playing behind my eyes, and with a rush of oxytocin that sings in my bloodstream on the way home. Sometimes it's so intense that I need to write and reflect before I'm able to sleep, and this was one of those births. I remember this birth so clearly. The primary midwife had been at another birth and was tired, so went to have a nap, and things started picking up fast. It was just me, the woman and her partner, and the atmosphere was one I don't know how to describe, but that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. We were at The Birth House, and it was sometime in the middle of the night, as most births are. 

I held her as she went through transition. She had that wild, primal fear in her eyes and she looked so deep into mine. I had my hands on her shoulders, easing tension and telling her “you are safe. Your baby is safe. You are ok. You can do this” over and over like a mantra. She held onto me tight like I anchored her through contractions, and rested her head on my shoulder in between while I stroked her hair and her back. Her partner was stroking her back too but in that moment she needed a woman’s touch. She needed a midwife - someone who had seen birth in all its forms, to tell her that she was ok. I told her her body is powerful. That this pain can’t overcome her because it is coming from her. I stroked her hair and held her close. That intimacy is so surreal. The connection and the fear in her eyes that brought tears to my eyes. She roared through contractions as I held her and then she said she could feel the baby’s head. I coached her through pushing after calling Bron and guided her partner to catch his baby. What an incredible moment. What a birth to be a part of. Today I keep seeing it and reliving it and I think this will be one of those births and one of those couples that lives forever in my head and my heart.

The thing I remember most vividly about this birth was the sense of intimacy between myself and the woman. It's not every birth where the woman goes that deep and primal, and yet connection is still so strong. Seeing someone in that state of vulnerability is an incredible privilege. Connecting with them - physically, emotionally, spiritually and anchoring them through the intense rite of passage that is transition is a totally surreal experience. My breath caught in my throat as she locked eyes on me - fearful, teary and wide. I came away from that birth emotionally spent and equally as fulfilled. It's births like those that make me feel so lucky to be a midwife.