This media crazy, text happy world we live in is wonderful, and the internet is such a powerful, connective force that I am so grateful for. I've made friends through blogging, and through Instagram and even through Facebook groups, who I am so grateful for having in my life, and with whom the connection runs as deep as with those who I have met in my day to day life sans screen. It is also amazing that I can pick up my phone, in the palm of my hand, at any given moment and send a quick text to a friend. I can read a facebook status and immediately respond with condolences, with compliments or with candour. I can send through snaps of my day and receive the same in kind. We are so connected to one another through social media and texting these days, which is great! I know I rely so much on being able to send a quick text to my handful of close friends on a daily basis for the connection and support I need in my life. But is texting and social media becoming a substitute for actually showing up for our friends when they need us in real life?
Laura Jane Williams explored this idea on her Instagram stories this week when she drove a 100 mile round trip to visit a friend who needed support, and it made me stop and think - am I the kind of friend who shows up? Or am I one who thinks a quick text does the job of showing support?
Being self-reflective is something which is really encouraged and supported in my profession, and I like to think I extend that to other areas of my life, so I'll be the first to admit I felt a sudden rush of guilt at the prospect of these text interactions replacing really meaningful displays of support for my friends, then a second rush of guilt at the immediate need for comparison I felt with Laura upon google-converting 100 miles to kilometres, and finding that it is 160 kilometres - a-ha! I go further than that on pretty much a monthly basis to visit my friend Shannon, and her baby Mila. I win.
The guilt was warranted. Using the internet to compare friendship prowess is a shitty thing to do. It's not a competition, and as I dug deeper on this topic I realised this amongst other things.
Shannon and Mila showing up for me last month
I am the friend who shows up, but sometimes it comes at a cost. As I mentioned, ever since my best friend Shannon has had her baby, I've driven to the Gold Coast regularly to see her and support her through the postpartum period, and this huge transition her life is going through. At times, I've put the fuel on my credit card to show up for her. I've driven up after births at the cost of sleep, and I've spent my last $20 on coffees for the two of us to lift our spirits on particularly rough days for either of us. It takes me an hour and a half to get to her house, and sometimes the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from Grafton is drive 130 kilometres but I always put the effort in, and it is always 100% worth it. She's given me a bed or a couch multiple times when I've needed it, always answers the phone even if her baby is screaming and basically kept me sane at the end of our degree, to the point where I believe there is nothing that half an hour with her and a chicken schnitty sanga can't fix in life.
Another friend of mine I see at least weekly. She lives much closer to me and although our friendship is young - we only met last March, we barely go a day without talking. Actually talking, not texting. She got a babysitter and came and helped me pack my kitchen when we moved a few weeks ago, and when she messaged this week to say she was having a tough time, I went to her without giving it a second thought.
A third friend and I have a standing market coffee and cake date, and she gave me free life coaching at the start of last year when I felt completely disorganised and was struggling to get my head around subcontracting, studying and maintaining creative outlets in my life. Jake and I drove 14 hours to Bermagui with a farting dog in the backseat of the car to spend her 30th birthday with her in September. You can't really put in much more of an effort to show up for someone than that!
But am I showing up for all of my friends in this way? I wish I could say yes, but no. I'm not. It would be physically mentally and emotionally exhausting to show up for all of your friends in this way all of the time. There are friends who I have shown up for in the past in this way, but I don't anymore. Reflecting deeper, I wondered what is it about these women that makes me want to go the extra mile to show up for them, when I've maybe given up on showing up for others in this way in the past? And I realised... it's because these are the women who do it in return. Friendship is a two way street, and overwhelmingly, in almost every relationship I have ever had, I love hard, fast and long and have wound up being the one who puts in the extra measure of effort to keep the friendship going, but it's not like that with these women I have in my life. I don't feel like it's any effort at all to show up for them when they need me, because when I need them most they're there for me as well.
It's taken 25 years to reach this point in my life, but I finally feel like I've found the women with which I will have lifelong bonds. True friendships that will stand the test of time. Friends with whom a text is not enough, and who show up for me just as much as I show up for them, despite distance and despite us all having busy lives. On my birthday, as I looked around the table in my favourite Thai restaurant, and read the beautiful cards the four friends I invited wrote, a tear came to my eye. I felt completely content with my life in that moment, and yet I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that it had taken me 25 years to find this tribe of people who I've come to love so much.
I implore you to think critically about the friends you have in your life, and where the majority of your interactions with them lie. Do you show up for them physically when they need you most? And do they do the same for you? Go deeper than a text or a social media comment with the people you love - the rewards of doing so for those true and meaningful friendships are boundless. But choose wisely who you go deeper with - question, would they do the same for you?
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