From Selma Blair's Instagram

Everyone is talking about Selma Blair at the Oscars.

Everyone.

A woman walked down the red carpet, looking like a majestic goddess, with a cane in her hand and it's made worldwide headlines. I can't tell you how happy and disappointed this makes me all rolled into one.

Happy because two amazing, strong women with disabling illnesses were at the Oscars - one of them even won an Oscar! Yet, disappointed that this happens so rarely that it's made worldwide headlines.

1 in 5 people in Australia have a disability, so why is it such a big deal to see it on the telly? It should be commonplace. Representation of people with disabilities - both visible and invisible, is woefully inadequate. So inadequate that, as someone who has been diagnosed with two invisible illnesses that are disabling at times, I burst into tears to see Lady Gaga win an Oscar, and again at the photos of Selma Blair walking the red carpet.

Why? Because it's the first time since my diagnosis in 2011 that I have seen a disabled celebrity other than Selena Gomez win an award of this calibre, or walk down the red carpet looking disabled.

Picture from here

I was a couple of weeks shy of 18 when I got diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and Fibromyalgia (which Lady Gaga has too), and at the time I was a very sick person. Getting that diagnosis felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. I felt that I would never be able to work full time, never be able to have a family, never be able to even enjoy nights out with friends again. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 12 months later, feeling isolated and unseen because of my illness. There was a time when I seriously considered getting a cane, and had my pride not won out, I would have had a much easier time getting around with one when I was at my sickest. To this day, I struggle to accept my illness, I struggle with my mental health in association with my illness, and my ideas of success are all wrapped up in a standard set by able-bodied people, which often feels unattainable for me. To see people like me on the TV, doing amazing things - living out their dreams! It gives me hope. It makes me feel seen.


I don't think that it should be such a big deal that people like me are at the Oscars. Maybe if I had seen someone walk down the red carpet with a cane that wasn't being used as as a quirky accessory 8 years ago, I would have got one for myself, used it and had better mental health from getting out of the house more. But I don't want to see headlines proclaiming how inspirational Selma Blair is, or putting her on a pedestal. I just want to see the 1 in 5 disabled people in the world represented on our TVs so often that it is normalised, and young women being diagnosed with disabilities or invisible illnesses won't have to feel as alone, afraid and ashamed as I did when I was diagnosed - with or without need of a mobility aid.

Nerding out at the Evans Head Aviation Museum

Today, Jake and I made the most of the rainy day with a trip to the Evans Head Aviation Museum. Jake was surprised to know, given that before I was a midwife I actually studied history and literature at University with the hopes of becoming a museum curator, or (more realistically) a teacher, that I had never been to the aviation museum. I told him quite honestly that this was because, being in Evans Head, I had just assumed that it would be a bit crap. I was very happily proven wrong!

Evans Head has a long standing relationship with the Air Force, and was home to one of Australia's largest RAAF bases during WWII. Apparently this puts a town in good stead for receiving ex-air force aircraft to display in beautifully restored condition in an original WWII aircraft hangar. While the main attraction of the museum is the F1-11, I actually didn't take a single photo of it! Oops. I was much more interested in the shiny, red Canberra and the Caribou light cargo carrier, which we were able to actually go inside on a guided tour by the extremely knowledgeable volunteer, Shane.

Not really dressed to impress, but this is one of my most comfortable outfits. I LOVE my Nobody jeans so much. 

I'm so glad that Jake convinced me to go to the museum. It was absolutely amazing walking in and around, and even under the wings of the amazing planes and other aircraft on display. Seeing where the gunners had to lie in the older, WWII planes was pretty amazing, and we are very lucky to have such a great museum in our tiny, seaside town. Every year, the Museum hosts The Great Eastern Fly In, which we usually watch for free from the beach like the cheapskates we are, but after visiting the museum and seeing all that it has to offer, I'd definitely consider paying to go to the fly in some time (haha). 

If you're ever in the Northern Rivers, this museum is well worth checking out. For $5, it's worth every dollar if you're into history, engineering, or just want to see some cool planes. Kids would absolutely love it! There was a little boy there today with his parents and his wowed exclamations as he looked up at the big wings of the F1-11 were the cutest thing!

On being the friend who shows up

This media crazy, text happy world we live in is wonderful, and the internet is such a powerful, connective force that I am so grateful for. I've made friends through blogging, and through Instagram and even through Facebook groups, who I am so grateful for having in my life, and with whom the connection runs as deep as with those who I have met in my day to day life sans screen. It is also amazing that I can pick up my phone, in the palm of my hand, at any given moment and send a quick text to a friend. I can read a facebook status and immediately respond with condolences, with compliments or with candour. I can send through snaps of my day and receive the same in kind. We are so connected to one another through social media and texting these days, which is great! I know I rely so much on being able to send a quick text to my handful of close friends on a daily basis for the connection and support I need in my life. But is texting and social media becoming a substitute for actually showing up for our friends when they need us in real life?

Laura Jane Williams explored this idea on her Instagram stories this week when she drove a 100 mile round trip to visit a friend who needed support, and it made me stop and think - am I the kind of friend who shows up? Or am I one who thinks a quick text does the job of showing support?

Being self-reflective is something which is really encouraged and supported in my profession, and I like to think I extend that to other areas of my life, so I'll be the first to admit I felt a sudden rush of guilt at the prospect of these text interactions replacing really meaningful displays of support for my friends, then a second rush of guilt at the immediate need for comparison I felt with Laura upon google-converting 100 miles to kilometres, and finding that it is 160 kilometres - a-ha! I go further than that on pretty much a monthly basis to visit my friend Shannon, and her baby Mila. I win. 

The guilt was warranted. Using the internet to compare friendship prowess is a shitty thing to do. It's not a competition, and as I dug deeper on this topic I realised this amongst other things.

Shannon and Mila showing up for me last month

I am the friend who shows up, but sometimes it comes at a cost. As I mentioned, ever since my best friend Shannon has had her baby, I've driven to the Gold Coast regularly to see her and support her through the postpartum period, and this huge transition her life is going through. At times, I've put the fuel on my credit card to show up for her. I've driven up after births at the cost of sleep, and I've spent my last $20 on coffees for the two of us to lift our spirits on particularly rough days for either of us. It takes me an hour and a half to get to her house, and sometimes the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from Grafton is drive 130 kilometres but I always put the effort in, and it is always 100% worth it. She's given me a bed or a couch multiple times when I've needed it, always answers the phone even if her baby is screaming and basically kept me sane at the end of our degree, to the point where I believe there is nothing that half an hour with her and a chicken schnitty sanga can't fix in life.

Another friend of mine I see at least weekly. She lives much closer to me and although our friendship is young - we only met last March, we barely go a day without talking. Actually talking, not texting. She got a babysitter and came and helped me pack my kitchen when we moved a few weeks ago, and when she messaged this week to say she was having a tough time, I went to her without giving it a second thought.

A third friend and I have a standing market coffee and cake date, and she gave me free life coaching at the start of last year when I felt completely disorganised and was struggling to get my head around subcontracting, studying and maintaining creative outlets in my life. Jake and I drove 14 hours to Bermagui with a farting dog in the backseat of the car to spend her 30th birthday with her in September. You can't really put in much more of an effort to show up for someone than that!

But am I showing up for all of my friends in this way? I wish I could say yes, but no. I'm not. It would be physically mentally and emotionally exhausting to show up for all of your friends in this way all of the time. There are friends who I have shown up for in the past in this way, but I don't anymore. Reflecting deeper, I wondered what is it about these women that makes me want to go the extra mile to show up for them, when I've maybe given up on showing up for others in this way in the past? And I realised... it's because these are the women who do it in return. Friendship is a two way street, and overwhelmingly, in almost every relationship I have ever had, I love hard, fast and long and have wound up being the one who puts in the extra measure of effort to keep the friendship going, but it's not like that with these women I have in my life. I don't feel like it's any effort at all to show up for them when they need me, because when I need them most they're there for me as well.

It's taken 25 years to reach this point in my life, but I finally feel like I've found the women with which I will have lifelong bonds. True friendships that will stand the test of time. Friends with whom a text is not enough, and who show up for me just as much as I show up for them, despite distance and despite us all having busy lives. On my birthday, as I looked around the table in my favourite Thai restaurant, and read the beautiful cards the four friends I invited wrote, a tear came to my eye. I felt completely content with my life in that moment, and yet I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that it had taken me 25 years to find this tribe of people who I've come to love so much.

I implore you to think critically about the friends you have in your life, and where the majority of your interactions with them lie. Do you show up for them physically when they need you most? And do they do the same for you? Go deeper than a text or a social media comment with the people you love - the rewards of doing so for those true and meaningful friendships are boundless. But choose wisely who you go deeper with - question, would they do the same for you?

The Graduate Midwife Road Less Travelled: Reflecting on the year that was

On the way home from the hospital I started working in in October.

The town is absolutely stunning in spring!

If you haven't read them yet, click for part 1, part 2 and part 3. 

It's the end of an era! Almost 14 months has passed since my midwifery registration came through and I attended my first birth as a registered midwife. I have so much to say about my experience choosing a non-traditional graduate year, and working in private practice directly from uni, but now I have sat down to write, I feel a little bit choked up and it's hard to get the words to flow as they usually do when I write. I think this is because it has been such a big year for me, and  it's hard to get my thoughts and experiences to behave themselves in my head so that I can make sense of them on paper.

I will start simply with this - I have had the absolute best graduate year that anyone could possibly have.

I feel so wonderfully privileged to work with women, to support them fully and wholeheartedly in their choices, to have physiological birth totally cemented in my practice as "the norm", with no fear of physiology. I've learned so much about women's bodies - the incredible feats they endure to bring their babies earthside and the incredible range of "normal" experiences. From the women who I didn't make it to in time because they birthed so fast, to the one that had a 4 four third stage and the one that had an 8 hour second stage with mum and baby totally fine clinically the whole way throughout. The women who love birthing, to the women who fight each contraction. The women who roar, and the women who breathe baby out quiet as a mouse. The women who have a tribe of support people around them when they birth, and that one woman who asked me for privacy and then pushed her baby out into her husband's loving arms.

Maggie the Midwifemobile all packed for a birth

Working in private practice in my graduate year has totally cemented physiological birth in my practice, and taught me to trust the birthing process with all of my heart and soul, but it's also taught me to use my critical thinking skills and clinical decision making skills wisely. When you're faced with normal all the time, the abnormal sticks out like a sore thumb. I've done a fair few hospital transfers this year, for many different reasons (the 8 hour second stage being one of them), and in almost every case I felt absolutely confident we as midwives had made a good and timely decision. Even after transfer, many of these women had vaginal births, just needing increased monitoring or pain relief that we couldn't provide at home.

Bron and I have been creative in the roles I take on at The Birth House to try to maximise my experience and knowledge while staying within the legal parameters of our current system, which requires Medicare endorsement for antenatal and postnatal care. Aside from attending births as a second midwife, I have done administration, reviewed pathology and ultrasound results and flagged anything abnormal, used the ACM Guidelines for Consultation and Referral to carry out risk assessments at different gestations and written referrals to obstetricians and paediatricians. I've contributed to collaborative care plans, done extensive antenatal education, debriefing and facilitated postnatal support groups. I've written policies, marketed, collated and published our statistics, communicated with women, doulas, photographers and other people who contact us through The Birth House. I've written articles and appeared on radio, and even took part in a documentary being made about home birth in our area, all as a apart of my role as a midwife at The Birth House. I've also been facilitating student placements from the UK and running student study days, whioch I've found incredibly rewarding.

With Manchester Uni student, Abby, at the Byron Lighthouse

In October, I started working in a small, country hospital on a permanent, 24 hour a fortnight contract to build up my hours towards endorsement and expand my skills as a midwife. The unit I'm working in has a truly lovely bunch of midwives, and low birth numbers mean that we are able to give the women so much one to one time, and support with breastfeeding and mothercrafting that I know we wouldn't have time for in a bigger and busier hospital. We also often care for the same women days in a row, giving a sense of continuity in an otherwise fragmented system. However, this particular hospital relies on locum obstetric and paediatric staff, and has high rates of intervention. It's been a challenging transition for me, from an 89% normal vaginal birth rate to a 35-ish% normal vaginal birth rate. I wanted to expand my skills while I'm there, but there are few births, so few opportunities to get better at suturing, cannulating and the likes, and while I've been performing these skills at home births (except suturing - I've only done that twice), and have the theory of the health district's learning packages done, I'm yet to sign off a single skill completely, which is frustratingly narrowing my scope of practice.

Compounding the difficulty of the transition, the hospital is a few hours away from where I live, so I travel down and stay in the accommodation centre, which is the original old nursing quarters of the hospital, where I often feel socially isolated, and miss home. Disrupting the natural rhythm of my weeks in this way has been huge. It feels as though it takes me days to recover. When I get home there is laundry to do, a house to clean and tidy, missed time with Jake and Lou to catch up on, and then before I know it it's time to go back again and I'm packing, bulk cooking and preparing to say goodbye again. Working away has meant missing home births with women that I've build trusting relationships with, which has been tough. Missed home births also mean missing a huge chunk of my regular income, which has meant needing to pick up more hospital shifts, and the cycle continues.

One of the rooms in the accommodation centre. Not the most homely!

Financially, the last few months have been tough, and sometimes I have wished I took a salaried graduate position with a regular income, but when it all boils down to it, there are more important things than money, and doing it a bit tough this year has all been worth it for the wonderful experience I now have under my belt. Every day I am a midwife the fire in my belly for working with women burns brighter. When I look within myself, I know who I am as a midwife. I know how to support and nurture women. How to make them feel safe and strong at the same time. To find the power within them that helps them bring forth new life and builds their capacity as mothers. Midwifery isn't just a job - it's my calling. Money can't buy that level of satisfaction with life.

At the Lismore Art Gallery, admiring an exhibition of belly casts painted by local Bundjalung women

A day at the beach in my new, sustainable swimwear

Recently, I've sparked renewed interest in learning to surf (maybe this time I'll stick it out?), and I've also started learning how to kite surf, which is my partner, Jake's passion. Now, I'm not sure if you've ever kite surfed before, but one of the key steps when you're learning is body dragging through the water, which essentially is like jigging for bait, but your body is the jig and you're praying to god almighty that nothing big enough to swallow you wants to play the part of bait (there are videos of me doing this on Instagram if you want the visual and have never been fishing before). Now, as you can imagine, this is not an ideal thing to be doing in a bikini, as the water often catches on your swimmers and pulls as your body lifts out of the water, resulting in a little bit more flesh baring than is desirable. Surfing is also not something I particularly enjoy doing in a bikini, because it tends to result in both sunburn and board rash - ouch! 

So when these new interests surfaced, or resurfaced, I decided to invest in some new, more appropriate swimmers. I wanted something full piece with sleeves to protect my arms from the sun (they get quite enough), that was feminine, still sexy and sustainable. Cue a long internet search over a period of about a week, and an instagram poll to help me choose between two different suits, and I finally settled on the Soulti Surf La Mar Onezie. I loved that Soulti is a local to me small business run by a woman who surfs, because I knew the swimmers would be appropriate for my climate and the activities I wanted to do in them. They're 75% recycled nylon, made from nylon spun from discarded fishing nets fabric offcuts. I love our ocean so much, and so it's incredibly important to me that my actions in it and outside of it contribute to it's health, which is why I have decided to only buy sustainable clothing this year. I also love that even though I'm far more covered than I typically am at the beach, especially once a kite surfing harness covers my lower back, I still feel super sexy in them.

Yesterday the wind was blowing hard and Jake was keen to get out in it for a kite surf. I originally intended on having a session too, but when we got to the beach it was actually too windy to be safe for a beginner on the size of kite that I had with me, so I ended up just taking photos and videos of Jake instead. We drove onto the beach at Evans Head and went down to Salty Lake, which is a tidal tea tree lake that joins up with the ocean on the high tide. Jake loves flat water kiting and was up for the challenge of the narrow lake, and the wind was perfect to try it. We went between the lake and the ocean to swim in the morning, and then when the afternoon wind picked up, Jake hit the lake on his kite. Lou had a ball chasing him through the shallows, and I had fun watching, playing with my camera and swimming and playing with Lou in the lake and the surf. Considering that we were on the beach all day, I'm so glad I had the foresight to put my new swimmers on, or I'm sure I'd be in a world of pain, burnt to a crisp right now. The long sleeves also provided a buffer from the wind while I sat on the shore and Jake kite surfed. My only regret about the day is that we left the beach for lunch. I wish we had packed a picnic to enjoy in the shade by the lake. I can already guess that we will be spending a lot more time down there before the end of summer though, so there is always next time for that!

Why is it that I'm always getting brilliant, candid shots of Jake and he never gets any of me? I'm starting a pact with him - I'll only sit in the wind to take kitesurfing pictures for hours on end if he takes cute candid shots of me when we are hanging around and out and about. 

What's in a blog?

For the past year I've been subcontracting to private midwives, so essentially run my own business, and I wanted to add in a creative aspect to that to increase my reputation as a midwife, satisfy the creative itch and better serve the birthing community. I started wondering what that might look like and experimenting with a few ideas - blogging, instagramming, belly casting. In choosing a direction to go in, I started listening to Jen Carrington and Sara Tasker's Letters From A Hopeful Creative podcast, and in doing so, came to quite a few lightbulb moments for incorporating a creative aspect into my midwifery work, as well as for this blog.

8 years ago when I started my first blog, Little Foal,  blogging as a business didn't exist. Bloggers were just creative people who talked from the heart about things they loved and what was happening in their lives. Blogger templates were about the only templates you could get, everyone did blog hops and guest posts and built up a community, and some very real, deep and authentic friendships came out of that time in my life. I was still blogging when blogs became profitable. I've watched as some of my friends have risen up in the world of blogging and created whole careers out of social media, sponsored posts and their "little" voice on the internet, and I am so happy for them!

I started being offered sponsored posts a couple of years into blogging, and I took on the work for a while and relished in earning money from this beautiful, creative outlet I had started as a hobby in a difficult time in my life. Pretty soon though, the hobby began to feel like a chore, and I got too caught up in comparing myself to other people and lost sight of where the joy was in putting my voice out into the world. I decided to step away from my blog at that point, and it was probably the best decision I could have made at the time. A lot of my friends did the same. The blogging landscape was changing and I was embarking on my career as a midwife. I focused my energy there, and it paid off. I have an amazing job, which I really love, and I couldn't have put as much focus and dedication into my midwifery journey if I was still caught up in blogging, and the unhealthy cycle of comparison I was in at the time.

For a while now though, I've felt as though a creative outlet was missing in my life. I crochet, embroider, sew, macrame, paint and work creatively with any medium I can get my hands on, but writing is a huge part of my creative identity that I haven't been giving a voice to lately. I'm writing a bit of fiction, but at the time that I started this blog, I hadn't put anything out into the world for a long time. I started this blog out with an outfit post, and intention of just sharing my life, my outfits, my food and my craft like I did in "the good old days", but then I felt the pull to write about my journey as a midwife - arguably the biggest journey I've embarked on in my life, and a piece of content that I felt could really serve others, as well. Since writing my "Graduate Road Less Travelled" series (in which there will definitely be a new instalment soon, exploring my journey one year on), I have ummed and ahhed, tossed and turned over the kind of writing I want to put out into the world on this blog. Do I want to write about being a midwife? About fashion? About coastal living? Do I want to share information with women to help them in their fertility, pregnancy and postpartum journeys? What about sharing recipes? I love to cook! DIY projects? Tutorials? Right before I stopped blogging last time, I struggled with the same problem. At the time, there was a real push in blogging to "find your niche", to be an expert in one field, or one type of writing, and to create a "brand" that was very specific, and dare-I-say, pigeonholed bloggers into sharing just one facet of their lives.

As a creative jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none, this did not work for me. I can not pigeonhole my creativity. I'm not a one dimensional person, and I didn't feel like there was space for me to be all that I am and all that I feel on the internet, which was becoming increasingly uniform in my eyes. The pressure started mounting when I tossed and turned over what direction I want this blog to go in. I had a creative itch and I needed to scratch it, but i was holding myself back with all this thinking and worrying over what topic to write about and how to fit the many facets of myself into one blog. Then I heard Sara and Jen's podcast on just this topic - To Niche Or Not To Niche? and it was honestly like a weight lifted off my shoulders! This blog isn't a business for me, it's a creative hobby, but regardless of whether it's a business or a hobby, it's mine and it's a reflection of my creativity! Creativity doesn't need to fit neatly into a box - the fact that it doesn't is exactly what inherently makes it creative! There is space here on this blog for all aspects of my life, and whether or not anyone reads it doesn't really matter. Those who do will stick around regardless of the variety of topics I choose to write about, because they're here for who I am, which is injected into every bit of writing that I do, published or unpublished, and that is something pretty wonderful!

Book Review: Nevermoor by Jessica Townsend

"Morrigan Crow is cursed. Born on an unlucky day, she is blamed for all local misfortunes, from hailstorms to heart attacks - and, worst of all, the curse means that Morrigan is doomed to die at midnight on Eventide.

But as Morrigan awaits her fate, a strange and remarkable man named Jupiter North appears. Chased by black-smoke hounds and shadowy hunters on horseback, he whisks her away into the safety of a secret, magical city called Nevermoor.

To stay in the safety of Nevermoor for good, Morrigan will need to  pass four difficult and dangerous trials - or she'll have to leave the city to confront her deadly fate."

Given the comparison on the front cover  by Kirkus, I had really high expectations for this book, and I'm pleased to say, it exceeded them all! I bought this book with birthday money after posting a tongue-in-cheek meme on Facebook hinting ever so subtly that I'd like a book, or money for a book for my birthday off anyone who wanted to buy me anything. My uncle's card said "I got the hint, kiddo" (yep, I'm 25 but I don't think my uncle will ever call me anything other than kiddo), and immediately knew that this is the book I would buy, after spending months admiring the captivating cover in the bookshop window.

Nevermoor is truly brilliant kids' fiction. It is aimed at middle grade readers (8-12 years old), which is not to say that it has a simple storyline or writing style. Jessica Townsend took 10 years writing this book, and the hard work shows. She succeeds, in the same way that J.K. Rowling succeeded, in creating a fully realised fantasy world and multi-dimensional characters that are able to capture the hearts of children and adults alike.

Morrigan Crow is smart, funny, tenacious and, at times, acerbic in the way of so many wonderful, unfiltered kids who are dealt a bad hand in life. As she grapples with her curse, the threat of death, displacement, deportation and the literal challenges that are presented to her in her quest to become a member of the Wunderous Society, Morrigan truly "steps boldy" in life, inspiring the reader to do the same.

Jessica deals with heavy themes in this book with such great care as to provide real teaching moments for children, and tug on the heartstrings of adults at the same time. She is a very thoughtful author, with every word on the page feeling like it carries purpose and adds to the truly engaging plot. The world she has created in Nevermoor is such captivating, vivid fantasy. It truly comes to life in your mind as you read, and stepping into Nevermoor provides a true sense of escapism, in the way that only the most wonderful works of fiction can. I can see this book inspiring a new generation of avid readers, in the same way that Harry Potter did for so many of my generation.

I completely devoured this book (along with the tea and biscuits in this flat lay - mmm... pfeffernüsse!), and I can't wait to read the second book in the series, Wundersmith. Originally pitched and sold as a trilogy, I am so excited by the news that Jessica has plots for nine books set in the wonderful, vivid world of Nevermoor.

The graduate Midwife Road Less Travelled Part 3 - The Road Is Not Always Straight and Flat

 Photo by Sergio R on Unsplash

If you haven't read them already, part 1 of this series can be found here and part 2 here.

In deciding to work in this model of care straight from university, I knew I was going to face some challenges.

The first challenge was going to be people's perception of my work, or my ability to work in private practice as a newly qualified midwife. The next challenge would be finding a structure which worked for Bron and I. Then, there was the financial challenge of not earning a salary. Finally, there was the challenge of trying to work towards endorsement as a Medicare eligible privately practicing midwife - my long-term role, which would enable me to continue working as a private midwife with my own caseload, and which involves a lot of jumping through hoops. I started the hoop jumping as soon as I started working with Bron, and thus begins 3 years minimum as AHPRA's circus animal.

I was really nervous to tell friends, family and my colleagues at the hospital I trained at about my decision to forgo the traditional grad position I was offered in Sydney to work at The Birth House. Most of my close circle of family and friends don't know a lot about home birth, haven't been exposed to it and I wasn't sure if they'd be supportive. While I got a few strange looks, and was asked a lot of questions about safety and what I'd do in emergencies, it was really clear to all my loved ones by the way  my eyes lit up when I spoke about it that I'd chosen a job I absolutely love, and over the past 6 months, they've all become a lot more accepting and supportive of my decision (I may have even converted a few into potential home birthers!) Not to mention the fact that taking this job kept me at home with my loved ones, rather than working fly in, fly out in Sydney.

My colleagues at the hospital I trained in were absolutely delighted for me when I told them. This job is my dream job, and I think that while some of them may have encouraged me to take a traditional grad job if I'd discussed it with them, they know I'm onto something really special here, and know how well supported I am by Bron. The first time I had to transfer in to the hospital with a client, I was shaking in the car on my way in. It was completely nerve wracking doing the transfer - were we making a good call? How would  be received by the midwives on duty? I wondered who was in birth suite and who was team leader the whole way in, and practiced my handover in the car. When I got to the hospital, the most lovely midwife was coming onto birth suite for the night shift - one I'd worked with a bit at the end of last year and got along with well. I was so, so happy to see her walk into our room, and she made the whole experience more like a homecoming than the scary transfer I'd built it up to in my mind. Over the following few days, I visited our client in hospital and ran into many of my old mentors, who were so beautiful, kind and helpful to us and our clients. I remembered why I had loved my midwifery training so much - the midwives at our local hospital are incredible, kind, intelligent and funny. most of all, they're great friends to work with.

Bron and I are still working out what structure works for us - my role is ever-evolving as our client load and needs change. Mostly, I do 6 hours of admin per week, Saturday morning antenatal classes, a few hours supervised clinic plus whatever birth plan meetings and births we have on. Sometimes I also mind Bron's daughter while she works, and more recently I've started liaising with the international student midwives we have coming to visit over the coming year, and I will be trying to fill their days between appointments while they are here. The days are fairly flexible, and I'm often back and forth to The Birth House and to our clients' homes  4 or 5 days in a week, despite my hours only being part time. When something isn't working, we just have a chat and try something else, and as the practice grows, so will my role within it, which is something Bron and I are both working hard for.

Not earning a salary is difficult at times. When we have a lot of births on, money is great! When we are quiet, my admin hours cover my rent and I'm thankful that I haven't been totally cut off from Centrelink yet, which tops up my pay when I'm having a bad week at work according to my fortnight's earnings, which I continue to report. I'm also thankful for an incredible landlord for our tiny little granny flat, and my partner who also subcontracts, but somehow always has work when I don't. I'm honestly very nervous for tax time, as my book keeping has been very lazy and I've got a lot of work to do to get my receipts and car log book in order if I don't want a massive tax bill. These are challenges I wouldn't face with a traditional grad role, but I gladly do because I love this job, and its flexible, part-time nature which gives me incredible work-life balance even while I pursue further study.

Which brings me to the next challenge - possibly the biggest one. To become endorsed by AHPRA, which will give me a medicare provider number, prescribing rights and make me able to get insurance for antenatal and postnatal care, and carry my own caseload, there are several hoops I need to jump through.

First, I need to do a Prescribing and Diagnostics course, which I begin as a part of my Masters in Primary Maternity Care through Griffith University in July. The postgraduate study, in my eyes, is the easy part.

Next, I need to get 5000 hours of experience across all settings - antenatal, birth and postnatal care. Now, working part time as a second midwife for births, this is the truly challenging part! I'm not insured for antenatal and postnatal care, so have to be under supervision, and I have absolutely no control over how long a birth takes! Often, I'm only there 4 or so hours, including clean up. To top it off, the 5000 hours needs to be completed within 6 years, which means I need to supplement my hours with casual work at the local hospital. BUT, the local hospital won't give me casual work without postgraduate experience. Hmm..... I can see your brain ticking over, and this is not adding up, is it? No. Sadly, it is not.

I've been working part-time for 6 months now. I've completed a certificate in immunisation for health practitioners, and I'm enrolled in my Masters degree, so a week ago, I emailed the Midwifery Unit Manager to ask about potential casual work at the hospital, but so far I've heard nothing back. I've asked a few times how much experience I need, and I've not yet been given an answer. I'm eager to get my foot in the door - not for money's sake, and not just for the hours, but also because there are many valuable midwifery skills that you use often in the hospital that are rarely used at home that I would like to maintain, and there are opportunities for continued professional development in the public health setting that aren't available privately. I"m trying very hard to be patient, and to enjoy the slow build that my grad year has given me - the nurturing, supportive environment and beautiful foundation to practice of normal, non-medicated, vaginal births that I have been so privileged to attend over the past 6 months. As a very driven, goal oriented person, it is difficult to be patient though. I want to get my hours done as quick as possible so that I can fully immerse myself in private practice and work to my full scope and full potential as a midwife. It's also difficult thinking that my fellow graduates in bigger hospitals are getting their hours towards eligibility so much faster than I am, as full-time midwives despite not getting the hands on home birth experience, and business experience that I'm getting with Bron. I have to remind myself every day of how blessed I am, that it's not a race, and that the experience I'm getting right now, and the job I'm doing, which I love so much, is worth more than the full time hours I'd get in a hospital. Even if I can't work in the hospital until the end of the year, my time there will come and my hours will build. In the meantime, I need to just enjoy the ride.

The fact that my scope of practice is so limited after 3 years of university education, and registering as a midwife is very frustrating. The fact that this restriction is at the hands of the only insurance company in Australia that will cover a private midwife appalls me. The challenges I'm facing in pursuing this career pathway are unjust and uncalled for. They are designed and implemented by the medical patriarchy, which is more concerned with reigning in autonomous midwifery practice, which threatens its livelihood, than with creating positive outcomes for women and babies.

Continuity of care with a known midwife is the absolute gold standard of care, and leaving the comfort and safety of your home is the first intervention in birth. Graduate midwives having access to working in continuity models of care is absolutely integral to midwifery thriving as an autonomous profession, and to women having access to the safest model of care there is. As we learn more and more about the long-term impacts of birth on maternal and neonatal health, and uncover the mysteries of the microbiome, and epigenetics and birth, its importance is highlighted. As women have more access to information highlighting the benefits of continuity of care with a known midwife through the internet, it is also growing ever more popular.

It's so important that new graduates like myself are supported to pursue this line of work. A study in Queensland reported that up to 85% of midwives in both public and private hospitals have fear around childbirth. Midwives working in continuity of care models did not report the same level of fear. The road is not always straight and flat, but I know I'm doing important work in paving it for future graduates, and making continuity of care more accessible to women. If you're a private midwife, consider how you can open your practice to a new graduate and show them what it truly is to be 'with woman'. If you're a graduate, seek out this kind of work, and if you're a pregnant woman looking for the best care you could possibly have, and a positive, empowering experience, step outside the system - hire a private midwife and support an autonomous midwifery profession. Consumers are the voice of change, and by demanding this service, you create opportunities for more women to access it.

Despite all the challenges of choosing a non-traditional graduate job,  if I was offered full-time work in my first choice hospital from my graduate application last year right now, I wouldn't take it. I love my job so much. It's so worth every instance of stress, because working in continuity of care, in partnership with women who are making informed and empowered decisions about their births is the most amazing job in the world, and tucking a new family into their own bed after a home birth, leaving their house in the wee hours of the morning with the warm fuzzies inside me is a feeling I will never tire from.

The Graduate Midwife Road Less Travelled Part 2 - A Gentle Start

The front verandah of the beautiful federation home that is The Birth House

Read Part 1 of this series here.

I started working with Bron in October, before I graduated. As a part of the structure of my job that we had agreed upon, I would be doing 6 hours a week of administration, helping Bron with the running of her business and learning the behind the scenes of being a private midwife. I was excited about this, because I knew it was setting me up for my future as a private midwife, and that I was lucky to have someone who had been doing it for years to learn from, rather than starting from scratch myself and making lots of mistakes. So, I started my admin hours straight away, started meeting Bron's clients as they came and went from the clinic while I was there, and waited for my registration to come through - hopefully before the baby that was due on Christmas Eve came.

I met the woman who was due at her 36 week birth plan appointment, as Bron and I had discussed I would, and I was introduced to her as the second midwife for her birth. We discussed her wishes for her birth, and she had a few requests for her birth which deviated from standard care. We discussed reasons for and against, provided her with evidence relating to her decisions, discussed when risk factors might present themselves which would suggest deviating from her choices, and gave her time to process the information and come to a decision. When we left the appointment, suspecting that I would find it a massive transition moving from hospital policy to a practice of informed consent led by the woman, Bron asked me how I felt about this. I was surprised to find that I was actually totally comfortable with the woman's decision. I asked Bron some questions about how we document her decisions to cover ourselves legally, and then said "I trust the process. I trust birth. I trust that the woman is making the decisions she feels are best for herself and her baby, and that she is taking ownership of her body and her birth in her decision-making. I trust that we have given her the information to make an informed decision, and I trust you. I trust that we will document her decision correctly to cover ourselves legally, and I trust that I will be well supported by you in her birth, and that if there are any indications that we should divert back to standard care, we will pick up on them in a timely manner, and have those discussions with her." Every word of it was true. I trusted birth. I trusted Bron, and I felt so well supported in practice by her, that I felt comfortable with honouring this woman's wishes for non-standard care. In fact, I felt like that was exactly why I was working in this model of care.

My registration came through late December and a couple of nights later I got my first midnight call out! The woman worked beautifully with her partner in her birth, calling us to come late in the piece, and being 45 minutes away, I missed it entirely! I got there in time to watch her have her first breastfeed and birth the placenta. I checked the placenta, cleaned up the birth space a bit, tucked the new family into bed and drove home. I was back in bed before the sun came up, smiling ear to ear.

Over the following weeks, I attended a few more births - all of them beautiful, natural and calm. Bron and I started to feel more in sync working together. I worked with another private midwife in the area, Libby, a bit and I really enjoy seeing the similarities and differences in her and Bron's practice.  I feel really at ease working with both of them, and I commented to them both one morning after a team meeting that I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. They both gave me beautiful feedback about my presence at a birth and my way of working. To begin with, I didn't really feel like a "real" midwife. I sort of still felt like a student, but I'm slowly gaining confidence in my practice and at least I've stopped having to correct my signature from SM to RM on documentation. I drove up to the Gold Coast for a birth at 2am one night, and was coming home just as the sun rose. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I was totally in awe of my own life! I wrote this on facebook later that morning:

I love waking up in the middle of the night to a phone call, rushing to the car and driving through the still of the night, the only car on the road, to a birth. I love pulling into the street to see the lone house with lights on; thinking that's the one! And being present when new life enters the world. Sitting quietly in the corner of the room, writing notes and observing the woman and her support people as they work together to bring baby down and out. Anticipating needs and providing reassurance and encouragement. Seeing a family grow in an instant, as they meet the baby, and then tucking them up into their own bed to sleep, before heading back home to my own. I watch the sun rise from the road, and climb back into bed to sleep as the rest of the world wakes, feeling contented.

Everything felt right in those first few weeks of working in this way. I was in a blissful, private midwife, normal birth bubble. Everything about it still feels right 3 months in, and I'm really appreciative of the gentle start I've had to life as a registered midwife thanks to the support of Bron and Libby. Taking the road less travelled isn't straightforward though. I've come across a few challenges, which I'll discuss in my next post.

Part 3 can be found here!

The Graduate Midwife Road Less Travelled Part 1 - Making the Decision

Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash

Wow. I really thought I'd blog a lot more than I have since I made this blog in November, but truth be told - I've struggled to find the creative energy as I transition into life as a Registered Midwife, juggling work, further study, skate commitments (which to be fair, are usually all I want to commit to), and home life. But here I am, tapping away at the keyboard in a tidy home, with the honey-cinnamon scent of home made granola wafting over to me from the kitchen, having just completed an assignment for the course I'm doing. *sigh* - a rare moment where I feel like I actually have my shit together!

I'm almost 3 months deep as a Registered Midwife, and the past 3 months have been filled with absolutely wonderful experiences and learning opportunities, so I thought now would be a good time to share a little bit about my work, and why I have shunned a traditional graduate position in a hospital to work in private practice fresh out of university.

I haven't always wanted to be a midwife, but from my first day of university there has been no doubt in my mind that it is what I've been called to do with my life. 

I haven't always wanted to be a midwife, but from my first day of university there has been no doubt in my mind that it is what I've been called to do with my life. Furthermore, it became clear very early on in my practice that I wanted to be a private midwife. All throughout my degree, on placements in the hospital, I was continually let down by the public health system, which I felt undervalued the role of the midwife, and treated birthing women like a product on a factory conveyor belt, with designated stops for diagnostics, testing and delivery. *shudder*  (I hate the word delivery being used in birth, but that's a whole other blog post!)

Don't get me wrong, we are incredibly lucky to have a free at point of contact public healthcare system here in Australia, with the option for not a single medical bill for your entire pregnancy and birth, however I just didn't feel like I fit with that model of care as a midwife. It leaves no room for individuality in practice, with policies and guidelines dictating your every move as a midwife, and it leaves little room for respecting the woman's individual birthing experience, either. I hated not having time to spend with women to listen to them (they tell you all you need to know and more if you just give them the space to do so), or to provide adequate information to facilitate informed decision making, and sometimes I felt unable to provide evidence-based care, due to policy, time constraints or the wishes of the medical staff who oversee the women's care in the hospital. My goal from the start was to learn as much as I could in the hospital in my time there, learn even more outside the hospital in my own study, and just get the three years' full time experience I needed to be endorsed and get out!

In my third year of university, I went through all the paces of the student midwife looking for a grad job. I had a resume and cover letter written by week 2 of semester 1. I had multiple appointments with the careers advisers at the university. I had my selection criteria written and reviewed by the careers adviser and 3 separate midwives a month before it was due. I networked with the hospital staff at the hospital I wanted to work in, and applied for grad positions in 4 separate states of Australia. I practiced for interviews by myself, with other students, with the careers adviser and with practically anyone who could stand listening to me rabbit on about NSW Health CORE values for longer than 5 minutes. Through my networking, I got a job as an assistant in midwifery at my first choice hospital, and I worked as many shifts as I could in the hopes of showing the interviewers what a fantastic midwife I would be.

I ticked all the boxes on paper, and then I went for my interview.

There were 12 of us interviewing for the two positions at my first choice hospital. We all went to the same university. We nearly all had the same experience in the same hospital. We all had our resumes, selection criteria and practice interviews with the same careers adviser.

I went blank on one question, missed some key information and was a knot of anxiety for 4 weeks after the interview as I awaited the first round of job offers for NSW Health.

I didn't get the job. I cried all day at the prospect of moving away from my family, of doing fly in, fly out midwifery in a capital city, of leaving my boyfriend and my dog here on the North Coast and going at it alone in my first "adult" job in a strange city somewhere.

I was offered a job in the western suburbs of Sydney, and I was miserable at the prospect of taking it. I messaged Bron, a local private midwife and mentor of mine (she had facilitated my clinical supervision meetings for the best part of a year, and offered me many opportunities to experience what antenatal and postnatal care looks like in a private setting as a student, despite me never being placed with her through uni or being allowed to attend homebirths as a student at my uni). I knew I wanted to work in private practice as soon as I could, and she had mentioned the possibility of a bit of work as a second midwife at births to me a while back, but mostly I just wanted to chat with her about forging a pathway back to private practice from what I was certain would be a very high-intervention, high-risk graduate job in Sydney.

Throughout my whole degree I'd been told by midwives and other health professionals that I needed to consolidate my practice in a big, busy hospital for a few years before turning to caseload or private practice...
You do not build trust in the birthing process from working in a tertiary hospital, you build it from observing normal births.

Throughout my whole degree I'd been told by midwives and other health professionals that I needed to consolidate my practice in a big, busy hospital for a few years before turning to caseload or private practice. All of these health professionals worked in those same big, busy hospitals. But when I sat down with Bron in her office, which smelled sweetly of the jars of plant matter she uses in herbal medicine, she turned to me and said "You do not need to work in a big hospital to be a good private midwife. You do not build trust in the birthing process from working in a tertiary hospital, you build it from observing normal births." She offered me work on the spot as a second midwife for births. It wasn't full time, it wouldn't pay as well as a traditional grad position, I'd be limited in practice by the tight constraints of insurance on private midwives, but it was local, it was private practice, and it was with Bron, who I knew would be an amazing mentor. I told Bron I needed to go home and talk to Jake about our options. I messaged her within a couple of hours to say that I'd accept the job!

Part 2 of this blog series can be found here and part 3 here.

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Rolling into the new year!

 Sunset on New Year's Day on the river in Ballina. There were dolphins in the distance, too.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2018 brings you all that you wish for.

How did you spend your New Year's Eve? I went for a skate early in the evening with some friends, and we had a BBQ at the skate park, which was lovely, then we rushed our dog to the vet at 10pm with vomiting, fever and lethargy. He was one sick and sorry little puppy! He stayed in overnight and most of the next day getting medication and fluids. While he was at the vet, Jake and I went to the beach, me armed with a book and Jake with a kite, to take our minds off him. We had a really lovely day, and when we went to collect the little terror at dinner time yesterday, he was in much better spirits. He's home on antibiotics now and almost back to his usual hyper-active self.

I've never been much of a New Year's Resolution-er?-ist? or one to follow through on goals, stick to budgets, and all that jazz that we associate with the 1st of January, but this year I'm making a real effort to be more organised in life and to really make the most of every day. I've just started my own business, with most of my (somewhat small, start-up) income coming from sub-contracting to other local midwives as an admin and second midwife for births, so the need to be organised is a bit more pressing this year. I need to do my own book keeping, and be in charge of my own work hours, continued professional development, expenses and pay my own tax. All while working towards becoming an endorsed midwife, so that I can take on a caseload of my own. This all takes a level of organisation that I am entirely unused to, so for the first time in my life, I'm setting goals, using a planner and I've even booked 5 weeks' consultations with a life coach to put me on the right track and keep me accountable!

In case you're interested, I bullet journalled my 2018 "Goals and Intentions", which I've copied out below (you don't want to see my scrawling, messy writing, or my poor attempt at BuJo doodles. Trust me.). Perhaps publishing them somewhere more visible will help keep me motivated.

2018 Goals and Intentions:

• Participate in the #moxiskatedaily2018 IG Challenge (skating every day and posting on instagram)
• Take up yoga classes
• Write in my reflective practice journal once a week
• Write more!
• Create good eating and cleaning habits
• Use less plastic
• Start my masters degree
• Get midwife immuniser certification
• Be patient - with Jake, with friends and family, with life and with work.
• Save some money
• Keep my car clean 
• Read for pleasure - at least 20 books
• Get 2 days/week regular work (I currently have 1 regular day + births)
• Document my life - through video, blogging, journalling and photography.
• Reach scrim level at roller derby

 My first day of the #moxiskatechallenge2018

I feel really happy and motivated moving into 2018, and am already working towards some of these goals - I have skated the past 2 days, enrolled into the immunisation course this morning and here I am, documenting my life. I'm really hoping seeing the life coach helps me to keep the motivation going over the next 5 weeks, and well into the future. I'm using my bullet journal at the moment to keep track of some of my goals, although I'm not really a big fan of the format. I've ordered a time planner from Kikki K to take over from the bullet journal, which I think will be much more my style and add structure to my planning, and I'm working on some custom printable pages to suit my needs both as a midwife and in my personal life. I'll share more on my planner when it arrives. 

Me and my little family - Lou much more himself after his trip to the vet!

I've tried to keep a good balance between work goals and personal goals for the year, as well as setting goals of different sizes, and goals that link in together to help keep it all fun, achievable and keep a good work-life balance. I'm really hoping that the Moxi IG challenge and the yoga help me towards my goal of reaching scrimming level at derby by improving my agility, balance and fitness.  Similarly, the immunisation course, masters degree and reflective practice journal all feed into helping me get 2 days a week consistent work, and becoming an endorsed midwife, and the journal, writing more and documenting my life all link in together. 

Have you set any goals for 2018, or are you winging it and just taking what life has to offer? Any tips for a beginner business owner and novice organiser?  I'd love to hear from you!