From Selma Blair's Instagram

Everyone is talking about Selma Blair at the Oscars.

Everyone.

A woman walked down the red carpet, looking like a majestic goddess, with a cane in her hand and it's made worldwide headlines. I can't tell you how happy and disappointed this makes me all rolled into one.

Happy because two amazing, strong women with disabling illnesses were at the Oscars - one of them even won an Oscar! Yet, disappointed that this happens so rarely that it's made worldwide headlines.

1 in 5 people in Australia have a disability, so why is it such a big deal to see it on the telly? It should be commonplace. Representation of people with disabilities - both visible and invisible, is woefully inadequate. So inadequate that, as someone who has been diagnosed with two invisible illnesses that are disabling at times, I burst into tears to see Lady Gaga win an Oscar, and again at the photos of Selma Blair walking the red carpet.

Why? Because it's the first time since my diagnosis in 2011 that I have seen a disabled celebrity other than Selena Gomez win an award of this calibre, or walk down the red carpet looking disabled.

Picture from here

I was a couple of weeks shy of 18 when I got diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and Fibromyalgia (which Lady Gaga has too), and at the time I was a very sick person. Getting that diagnosis felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. I felt that I would never be able to work full time, never be able to have a family, never be able to even enjoy nights out with friends again. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 12 months later, feeling isolated and unseen because of my illness. There was a time when I seriously considered getting a cane, and had my pride not won out, I would have had a much easier time getting around with one when I was at my sickest. To this day, I struggle to accept my illness, I struggle with my mental health in association with my illness, and my ideas of success are all wrapped up in a standard set by able-bodied people, which often feels unattainable for me. To see people like me on the TV, doing amazing things - living out their dreams! It gives me hope. It makes me feel seen.


I don't think that it should be such a big deal that people like me are at the Oscars. Maybe if I had seen someone walk down the red carpet with a cane that wasn't being used as as a quirky accessory 8 years ago, I would have got one for myself, used it and had better mental health from getting out of the house more. But I don't want to see headlines proclaiming how inspirational Selma Blair is, or putting her on a pedestal. I just want to see the 1 in 5 disabled people in the world represented on our TVs so often that it is normalised, and young women being diagnosed with disabilities or invisible illnesses won't have to feel as alone, afraid and ashamed as I did when I was diagnosed - with or without need of a mobility aid.

On being the friend who shows up

This media crazy, text happy world we live in is wonderful, and the internet is such a powerful, connective force that I am so grateful for. I've made friends through blogging, and through Instagram and even through Facebook groups, who I am so grateful for having in my life, and with whom the connection runs as deep as with those who I have met in my day to day life sans screen. It is also amazing that I can pick up my phone, in the palm of my hand, at any given moment and send a quick text to a friend. I can read a facebook status and immediately respond with condolences, with compliments or with candour. I can send through snaps of my day and receive the same in kind. We are so connected to one another through social media and texting these days, which is great! I know I rely so much on being able to send a quick text to my handful of close friends on a daily basis for the connection and support I need in my life. But is texting and social media becoming a substitute for actually showing up for our friends when they need us in real life?

Laura Jane Williams explored this idea on her Instagram stories this week when she drove a 100 mile round trip to visit a friend who needed support, and it made me stop and think - am I the kind of friend who shows up? Or am I one who thinks a quick text does the job of showing support?

Being self-reflective is something which is really encouraged and supported in my profession, and I like to think I extend that to other areas of my life, so I'll be the first to admit I felt a sudden rush of guilt at the prospect of these text interactions replacing really meaningful displays of support for my friends, then a second rush of guilt at the immediate need for comparison I felt with Laura upon google-converting 100 miles to kilometres, and finding that it is 160 kilometres - a-ha! I go further than that on pretty much a monthly basis to visit my friend Shannon, and her baby Mila. I win. 

The guilt was warranted. Using the internet to compare friendship prowess is a shitty thing to do. It's not a competition, and as I dug deeper on this topic I realised this amongst other things.

Shannon and Mila showing up for me last month

I am the friend who shows up, but sometimes it comes at a cost. As I mentioned, ever since my best friend Shannon has had her baby, I've driven to the Gold Coast regularly to see her and support her through the postpartum period, and this huge transition her life is going through. At times, I've put the fuel on my credit card to show up for her. I've driven up after births at the cost of sleep, and I've spent my last $20 on coffees for the two of us to lift our spirits on particularly rough days for either of us. It takes me an hour and a half to get to her house, and sometimes the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from Grafton is drive 130 kilometres but I always put the effort in, and it is always 100% worth it. She's given me a bed or a couch multiple times when I've needed it, always answers the phone even if her baby is screaming and basically kept me sane at the end of our degree, to the point where I believe there is nothing that half an hour with her and a chicken schnitty sanga can't fix in life.

Another friend of mine I see at least weekly. She lives much closer to me and although our friendship is young - we only met last March, we barely go a day without talking. Actually talking, not texting. She got a babysitter and came and helped me pack my kitchen when we moved a few weeks ago, and when she messaged this week to say she was having a tough time, I went to her without giving it a second thought.

A third friend and I have a standing market coffee and cake date, and she gave me free life coaching at the start of last year when I felt completely disorganised and was struggling to get my head around subcontracting, studying and maintaining creative outlets in my life. Jake and I drove 14 hours to Bermagui with a farting dog in the backseat of the car to spend her 30th birthday with her in September. You can't really put in much more of an effort to show up for someone than that!

But am I showing up for all of my friends in this way? I wish I could say yes, but no. I'm not. It would be physically mentally and emotionally exhausting to show up for all of your friends in this way all of the time. There are friends who I have shown up for in the past in this way, but I don't anymore. Reflecting deeper, I wondered what is it about these women that makes me want to go the extra mile to show up for them, when I've maybe given up on showing up for others in this way in the past? And I realised... it's because these are the women who do it in return. Friendship is a two way street, and overwhelmingly, in almost every relationship I have ever had, I love hard, fast and long and have wound up being the one who puts in the extra measure of effort to keep the friendship going, but it's not like that with these women I have in my life. I don't feel like it's any effort at all to show up for them when they need me, because when I need them most they're there for me as well.

It's taken 25 years to reach this point in my life, but I finally feel like I've found the women with which I will have lifelong bonds. True friendships that will stand the test of time. Friends with whom a text is not enough, and who show up for me just as much as I show up for them, despite distance and despite us all having busy lives. On my birthday, as I looked around the table in my favourite Thai restaurant, and read the beautiful cards the four friends I invited wrote, a tear came to my eye. I felt completely content with my life in that moment, and yet I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that it had taken me 25 years to find this tribe of people who I've come to love so much.

I implore you to think critically about the friends you have in your life, and where the majority of your interactions with them lie. Do you show up for them physically when they need you most? And do they do the same for you? Go deeper than a text or a social media comment with the people you love - the rewards of doing so for those true and meaningful friendships are boundless. But choose wisely who you go deeper with - question, would they do the same for you?

What's in a blog?

For the past year I've been subcontracting to private midwives, so essentially run my own business, and I wanted to add in a creative aspect to that to increase my reputation as a midwife, satisfy the creative itch and better serve the birthing community. I started wondering what that might look like and experimenting with a few ideas - blogging, instagramming, belly casting. In choosing a direction to go in, I started listening to Jen Carrington and Sara Tasker's Letters From A Hopeful Creative podcast, and in doing so, came to quite a few lightbulb moments for incorporating a creative aspect into my midwifery work, as well as for this blog.

8 years ago when I started my first blog, Little Foal,  blogging as a business didn't exist. Bloggers were just creative people who talked from the heart about things they loved and what was happening in their lives. Blogger templates were about the only templates you could get, everyone did blog hops and guest posts and built up a community, and some very real, deep and authentic friendships came out of that time in my life. I was still blogging when blogs became profitable. I've watched as some of my friends have risen up in the world of blogging and created whole careers out of social media, sponsored posts and their "little" voice on the internet, and I am so happy for them!

I started being offered sponsored posts a couple of years into blogging, and I took on the work for a while and relished in earning money from this beautiful, creative outlet I had started as a hobby in a difficult time in my life. Pretty soon though, the hobby began to feel like a chore, and I got too caught up in comparing myself to other people and lost sight of where the joy was in putting my voice out into the world. I decided to step away from my blog at that point, and it was probably the best decision I could have made at the time. A lot of my friends did the same. The blogging landscape was changing and I was embarking on my career as a midwife. I focused my energy there, and it paid off. I have an amazing job, which I really love, and I couldn't have put as much focus and dedication into my midwifery journey if I was still caught up in blogging, and the unhealthy cycle of comparison I was in at the time.

For a while now though, I've felt as though a creative outlet was missing in my life. I crochet, embroider, sew, macrame, paint and work creatively with any medium I can get my hands on, but writing is a huge part of my creative identity that I haven't been giving a voice to lately. I'm writing a bit of fiction, but at the time that I started this blog, I hadn't put anything out into the world for a long time. I started this blog out with an outfit post, and intention of just sharing my life, my outfits, my food and my craft like I did in "the good old days", but then I felt the pull to write about my journey as a midwife - arguably the biggest journey I've embarked on in my life, and a piece of content that I felt could really serve others, as well. Since writing my "Graduate Road Less Travelled" series (in which there will definitely be a new instalment soon, exploring my journey one year on), I have ummed and ahhed, tossed and turned over the kind of writing I want to put out into the world on this blog. Do I want to write about being a midwife? About fashion? About coastal living? Do I want to share information with women to help them in their fertility, pregnancy and postpartum journeys? What about sharing recipes? I love to cook! DIY projects? Tutorials? Right before I stopped blogging last time, I struggled with the same problem. At the time, there was a real push in blogging to "find your niche", to be an expert in one field, or one type of writing, and to create a "brand" that was very specific, and dare-I-say, pigeonholed bloggers into sharing just one facet of their lives.

As a creative jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none, this did not work for me. I can not pigeonhole my creativity. I'm not a one dimensional person, and I didn't feel like there was space for me to be all that I am and all that I feel on the internet, which was becoming increasingly uniform in my eyes. The pressure started mounting when I tossed and turned over what direction I want this blog to go in. I had a creative itch and I needed to scratch it, but i was holding myself back with all this thinking and worrying over what topic to write about and how to fit the many facets of myself into one blog. Then I heard Sara and Jen's podcast on just this topic - To Niche Or Not To Niche? and it was honestly like a weight lifted off my shoulders! This blog isn't a business for me, it's a creative hobby, but regardless of whether it's a business or a hobby, it's mine and it's a reflection of my creativity! Creativity doesn't need to fit neatly into a box - the fact that it doesn't is exactly what inherently makes it creative! There is space here on this blog for all aspects of my life, and whether or not anyone reads it doesn't really matter. Those who do will stick around regardless of the variety of topics I choose to write about, because they're here for who I am, which is injected into every bit of writing that I do, published or unpublished, and that is something pretty wonderful!

Rolling into the new year!

 Sunset on New Year's Day on the river in Ballina. There were dolphins in the distance, too.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2018 brings you all that you wish for.

How did you spend your New Year's Eve? I went for a skate early in the evening with some friends, and we had a BBQ at the skate park, which was lovely, then we rushed our dog to the vet at 10pm with vomiting, fever and lethargy. He was one sick and sorry little puppy! He stayed in overnight and most of the next day getting medication and fluids. While he was at the vet, Jake and I went to the beach, me armed with a book and Jake with a kite, to take our minds off him. We had a really lovely day, and when we went to collect the little terror at dinner time yesterday, he was in much better spirits. He's home on antibiotics now and almost back to his usual hyper-active self.

I've never been much of a New Year's Resolution-er?-ist? or one to follow through on goals, stick to budgets, and all that jazz that we associate with the 1st of January, but this year I'm making a real effort to be more organised in life and to really make the most of every day. I've just started my own business, with most of my (somewhat small, start-up) income coming from sub-contracting to other local midwives as an admin and second midwife for births, so the need to be organised is a bit more pressing this year. I need to do my own book keeping, and be in charge of my own work hours, continued professional development, expenses and pay my own tax. All while working towards becoming an endorsed midwife, so that I can take on a caseload of my own. This all takes a level of organisation that I am entirely unused to, so for the first time in my life, I'm setting goals, using a planner and I've even booked 5 weeks' consultations with a life coach to put me on the right track and keep me accountable!

In case you're interested, I bullet journalled my 2018 "Goals and Intentions", which I've copied out below (you don't want to see my scrawling, messy writing, or my poor attempt at BuJo doodles. Trust me.). Perhaps publishing them somewhere more visible will help keep me motivated.

2018 Goals and Intentions:

• Participate in the #moxiskatedaily2018 IG Challenge (skating every day and posting on instagram)
• Take up yoga classes
• Write in my reflective practice journal once a week
• Write more!
• Create good eating and cleaning habits
• Use less plastic
• Start my masters degree
• Get midwife immuniser certification
• Be patient - with Jake, with friends and family, with life and with work.
• Save some money
• Keep my car clean 
• Read for pleasure - at least 20 books
• Get 2 days/week regular work (I currently have 1 regular day + births)
• Document my life - through video, blogging, journalling and photography.
• Reach scrim level at roller derby

 My first day of the #moxiskatechallenge2018

I feel really happy and motivated moving into 2018, and am already working towards some of these goals - I have skated the past 2 days, enrolled into the immunisation course this morning and here I am, documenting my life. I'm really hoping seeing the life coach helps me to keep the motivation going over the next 5 weeks, and well into the future. I'm using my bullet journal at the moment to keep track of some of my goals, although I'm not really a big fan of the format. I've ordered a time planner from Kikki K to take over from the bullet journal, which I think will be much more my style and add structure to my planning, and I'm working on some custom printable pages to suit my needs both as a midwife and in my personal life. I'll share more on my planner when it arrives. 

Me and my little family - Lou much more himself after his trip to the vet!

I've tried to keep a good balance between work goals and personal goals for the year, as well as setting goals of different sizes, and goals that link in together to help keep it all fun, achievable and keep a good work-life balance. I'm really hoping that the Moxi IG challenge and the yoga help me towards my goal of reaching scrimming level at derby by improving my agility, balance and fitness.  Similarly, the immunisation course, masters degree and reflective practice journal all feed into helping me get 2 days a week consistent work, and becoming an endorsed midwife, and the journal, writing more and documenting my life all link in together. 

Have you set any goals for 2018, or are you winging it and just taking what life has to offer? Any tips for a beginner business owner and novice organiser?  I'd love to hear from you!